The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 280-character musings. To see this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
If multiple women sit separately in a food court, each quietly eating a salad, do not interrupt us. We are silently communicating through salads, like whale song.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) August 13, 2018
My personal brand is having several tabs with articles about how to work more efficiently open at all times and never reading them
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) August 14, 2018
v spesh when a cat brings you dead creatures bcz it is her way of saying “u seem terrible at being a cat, got u this bird til u figure it out ”
— monica heisey (@monicaheisey) August 13, 2018
What i most look forward to about moving in with my boyfriend is knowing he has nowhere to run when I start playing One Direction and explaining why each song is so good
— Jill Capewell (@capeybara) August 16, 2018
Give a man a fish & he eats for a day, but teach a man to fish & he’ll be like “um actually i know how to fish, i’ll show you” & you wish you had your old fish so you could throw it at him
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 14, 2018
she wears short skirts
i wear tee shirts
she has health insurance
and i’m a freelancer 🎶
— crissy (@crissymilazzo) August 14, 2018
my love language is telling you, unsolicited, the source shop and price of the item you just complimented me on.
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) August 15, 2018
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) August 16, 2018
mooses have absolutely no business being that large
— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) August 15, 2018
I wish there was an invention where I could send my body to the gym but my mind and soul could stay in bed.
— roxane gay (@rgay) August 16, 2018
No movie will ever be as suspenseful as it was to wait while your friend asked their mom or dad if you could stay for dinner.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) August 11, 2018
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) August 15, 2018
“Just wait until I make you a b-plot villain in the rom-com of my life” is a threat I just levied at someone, feel free to use as you wish
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) August 14, 2018
i want a girl with a short skirt and a looooooooooooooong cvs receipt
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) August 14, 2018
I’m a libertarian which means I can only eat books
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) August 15, 2018
me: i want u to hurt me
him: you don’t have the things you want because you do nothing to work towards your goals
him: your complete lack of motivation will leave you with a mediocre life filled with regret at best
— 𝐋𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐲 (@strawburberry) August 15, 2018