Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
woke up already excited about going back to bed tonight
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) July 15, 2019
personally i think its really cute how artists continue to put out new songs when they fully KNOW that nothing will ever beat 3OH!3’s lyric, “tell your boyfriend if he says he’s got beef that im a vegetarian and i aint fuckin scared of him”
— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) July 18, 2019
the crazy thing about being single is that instead of texting every single thought i have in a day to someone, now they just stay in there
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) July 14, 2019
not sure anything or anyone has ever disappointed me as much as that Instagram swimsuit everyone loves
— Nicole Chung (@nicole_soojung) July 16, 2019
clock: go to bed
brain: google marmosets i dare you
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 18, 2019
THERAPIST: And what do we do when we feel sad?
ME: Fill a fountain drink with every flavor & let the lord decide whether it tastes good or not
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) July 15, 2019
moviepass: where are they now?
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) July 16, 2019
I aspire to the confidence of someone who dares cover a Simon & Garfunkel song
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) July 15, 2019
If a yoga class starts at noon, it should end with tacos. NamaYAY.
— Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) July 17, 2019
“you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice-“
Tired of my mockery, the 5’2″ sous chef barrels out of the kitchen, pummeling me to death
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) July 14, 2019
my barista gave me a free matcha so I am making an appointment at Davids bridal wish me luck!
— Jennifer McAuliffe (@JenniferJokes) July 13, 2019
be the overly friendly, immediately supportive girl in the women’s bathroom telling strangers they look “SO CUTE” you want to see in the world
— How To Be Alone (by me Lane Moore) is out now (@hellolanemoore) July 17, 2019
I will never forgive some of y’all for making me think mamma mia: here we go again would be good
— carla (@carlawaslike) July 17, 2019
The slogan for 7UP should be “Sorry you have an upset stomach.”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 18, 2019
When a song fades out at the end with vocals, I imagine they used a shrink ray on the performers in the studio until they disappeared
— LadyBusiness (@LadyBusiness_) July 16, 2019
Mental health: maybe let’s rest and take a break
Me: online shopping? Last minute trips?
Mental health: reLAx
Me. N E W T A T T O O S!!! Let’s spend MONEY!!!
Mental health: oh my god
— sassy sunflower (@amandaasette) July 13, 2019
qualities I am looking for in a husband:
-good at opening jars
-good at taking pictures of me (portrait mode)
that’s really pretty much it tbh
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) July 13, 2019
*tips the box of cold brew almost all the way over trying to get the dregs of that sweet sweet caffeinated nectar into my cup*
— muna mire (@Muna_Mire) July 18, 2019
Is there anything more middle-aged than having a suspicious mole frozen off your leg at the dermatologist’s office while their sound system plays a Huey Lewis song you danced to at prom?
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) July 18, 2019
Me: I don’t give a fuck
Also me: Should I have put “f*ck” instead of “fuck” or maybe used IDGAF or do people not use IDGAF anymore? Is it supposed to be in all caps or does using lowercase letters imply you give even less fucks? Should I use punctuation or
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) July 18, 2019