Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
I love period dramas, I have one every month
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 11, 2019
you’ll ask someone in LA to get dinner tonight and they’re like “yeah I have a meeting at HBO in 2 weeks but that should work”
— Audrey Kaufman (@KaufmanAudrey) August 13, 2019
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) August 10, 2019
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
— Leslie Grossman (@MissLeslieG) August 13, 2019
the rumors are true: despite my protestations i HAVE acquired a new crush. no further questions at this time your honor
— hunter harris (@hunteryharris) August 12, 2019
I met someone who told me she doesn’t eat nightshades and I couldn’t remember if that means she is or is not a witch.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) August 13, 2019
i can’t believe the american education system led me to believe that emily dickinson was some spinster shut in when she was actually busy writing super gay love letters to her brother’s wife
— anna borges (@annabroges) August 15, 2019
“So for my dish, I wanted to create that home-cooked taste, so I used the chicken I ordered for dinner last night, placed the leftover potatoes on top, mashed them both together, and then put it in the microwave for 2 minutes or until I heard explosions.” – me on Top Chef
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) August 12, 2019
shazam but for whether everyone is understanding the references in a conversation
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) August 16, 2019
No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don’t want to go in the first place.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) August 14, 2019
John Cusack: *cranking up the volume on a boombox outside my window at 7AM*
me, a deep sleeper: *peacefully snoring into my snuggly comforter*
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) August 16, 2019
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 15, 2019
People in this staff meeting are laughing at my jokes and it might be over for you hoes
— elle (@pale_greenpants) August 14, 2019
Every once in a while I think of the Instacart guy who interpreted 3 pounds of mushrooms as 3 individual mushrooms and how he handed them to me so gently and I hope he is doing well and is happy. I feel such tenderness for him.
— roxane gay (@rgay) August 11, 2019
Just flashback remembered the time at my last work place when a bunch of guys learned that pads go sticky side down to the underwear rather than being stuck onto the vagone.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 16, 2019
Things raccoons and I have in common:
Don’t sleep at night
Eat lots of garbage
Dark circles under eyes
Are pretty cute but no one wants us in their house
— Frankie Zelnick (@phranqueigh) August 13, 2019
There is a dress I have been eye-ing for over a month, but it costs $500 and I am from the Midwest.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) August 12, 2019
I know I’m old because nothing in this world could make me happier than my new trash can
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) August 12, 2019
1999: “wow the internet is going to change how we do everything, can’t wait to see what the future holds”
2019: *am literally in 3 different facebook groups dedicated to pics of fat kitties*
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 15, 2019